This isn’t a normal blog post. What is normal, really? It’s merely a subjective interpretation of how someone perceives his own worldview. Lately, I’ve been on an existential crisis of sorts, and it’s a place with which I’ve grown too familiar. I like myself plenty, but I feel like who I am and how God meant for me to be will ultimately destroy me, and everything I’m trying to build. I’m afraid of losing. I’ve become numb to the taste of defeat and the storm of pain and depression with which it brings.
Objective interpretation is how I nail down the world around me. Day by day, fable by fable, word by word, I view the world from the perspective of those who create it. The psychological disconnect between my ideological values and the thoughts and feelings of South African youth culture is tragically self-destructive. Our diametrically opposed ideologies leave me stranded in my own culture oasis, which at one time was non-existent. The world rewards normalcy over obscurity, and there was nothing I wanted more than to fit in with the people to whom fitting in was the very essence of a successful society, and a prosperous learner, friend, student or employee. So I was subsumed in a world which I did not understand, and it left me imminently broken and alone. My mind cannot understand the bullshit that makes them so excited, but it’s more my problem than anybody else’s. In all fairness, the world cannot understand me on a basic level either, and I don’t blame them, but it leaves me with very little people to engage with. I’ve never believed that we should all be in the same place, with the same mindset and on the same ideological wavelength, but even though that may be true, the world seems to gravitate towards popularity and regularity. So I found solace in fictional worlds wherein which I could become someone else, someone who the world clearly wishes me to be, but even in those worlds, I try to become a new version of myself far removed from the perception of others. I can’t help myself. Like a young girl, in a long yellow sundress, prancing about, twirling her long freshly combed locks, at the thought of her new romance, I fail to see the possible truth. That this romance can be a deadly affair, that the world doesn’t share my good intentions, that in this romance, I only see what I expect to see, so I never look beneath the surface. The idea that I could find my essence in the depths of such meaninglessness is a truth I’ve tried not to think about. But why? Why is my truth less meaningful than others? The world is built on meaninglessness. Justice and order are human constructs, built on the notion that what is just is good, and what isn’t, is ultimately evil. Blackmail, lies, infidelity, emotional abuse, all things that could drive a person to darkness, are all legal in the eyes of the law (or at least aren’t so frowned upon).
With the grim clarity with which I view the world as my country further backslides into modernity, I hasten further into the implement of my bliss – the arts, which have become the apotheosis of my soul. This is in direct opposition to the shallow ideals which modern society has grown to glorify, and which I, myself, could never feel ashamed for never understanding their significance. My own ideals would be betrayed as well by the interplay of political, artistic, aesthetic, and religious shifts, all which would inspire a different way of thinking. I’m drawn to the darkness of my psyche, but the melody of my escape helps me exorcise the demons of my mind. Such psychological idiosyncrasy is the worst place to find oneself, particularly, unlike me, if you lack the time, solitude and philosophical inclination to shake it off, and start kicking ass. Because, no one is coming to save you, as much as I love my family, some battles can only be fought alone. Find your truth and open your mind to new ideas, no matter how difficult the task. Naturally, there’s an entire argument that we refuse to listen to, like the idea that God may not exist, that we are alone, and that our beliefs are meaningless. But God is alive and He is real, because I made that my truth, and so I gave it meaning. However, I care not how others choose to live their lives, because I have my way, and it’s fitting that you find yours. I found meaning in my own meaninglessness, in my anime, my comic books, my tv series, my movies, and that shit makes me happy and that’s the only reason you need. The literal meaning of life is doing something that prevents you from ending it. If my world is devoid of purpose, I will imbue it with whatever purpose that feels right and true to me. Over the course of the holidays, I’ll be taking a more full-time approach to creating a greater YouTube community now that I’m in a more comfortable stage in my life, and I want my fellow geeks to join me on this journey. This is the expansion of my brand and ultimately, the oasis of my soul.
Find your way, because in the end, we’re left infinitely and utterly alone. People tend not to like me and I’m okay with that. Sometimes I actively work to make people dislike me, just so I don’t have to feel bad when they do. I’m wired differently, and it’s a part of myself that I’ve grown to accept, and even love. So if you find yourself hating me and refusing to accept my existence, well, as Admiral Akbar would say, it’s a trap! It’s all been part of my master plan…
The Geek Writer